I sometimes feel as if I was born in motion and have never, at the core of me, known stillness. It is the first nature of my being to move, do, possess (Scorpio!), achieve, accomplish, get, have, drive, push, and
orchestrate control. This is both the grandness of my potential as a human being and the darkness into which the best of me goes swirling down the drain. It is the place where the god of my understanding is able to use me to be of maximum service, and it is also the vortex that sucks me into what one of my cherished friends refers to as Plath’s Bell Jar.
This loose following of the steps in the past few weeks has deposited us (after telling someone in Step 5) at the two juiciest steps in the program…6 & 7. This is where the rubber meets the road, it’s what separates those who get better from those who get sicker, it’s where I meet god with an admission of my powerlessness, a clean heart, and a willingness to grow. And it takes a lot of humility to get here and to know that I’m going to be
staying here growing for the rest of my life. Because like I said in the opening, the best of me is the worst of me and it can be hard to reconcile that sometimes.
It’s all a defect of character is…something essentially positive that’s out of whack; a tool or strategy that I lean on too heavily, use as a weapon or manipulate others with. This is how the grandness of the human potential goes wrong every time.
Lately I’ve been in this phase of excessively wanting things, which is not really a normal state of my being. I start to think internally that I need a lot of things. I need a new car. I need new yoga pants. I need (yet another) new hair color. I want a new phone. I should get a new television for the bedroom. We definitely need to replace the mattress. Add new linens on top of that. Time for towels. Let’s redo the kid’s rooms. Hardwood floors.
So it’s not that there’s anything wrong with wanting any of these things. In fact, I’m a big proponent of enjoying abundance and having things you really want. But there’s something that happens to me when I get in this kind of mode, where wanting is the priority…the focus, where it’s driving the bus. My feelings are an amazing indicator of where I need to do some work. Today that work is about coming back to my spiritual seat, sitting all the way down, finding stillness through my breath, staying put and detaching from the all the things I think I know and want as they flow through my head. It’s absolutely fascinating to sit in meditation and watch my brain unravel. Even 7 or 8 minutes of stillness can change everything in a day.
It’s an amazing thing to be human and full of desire and potential. We can begin to find the seat of our power in that as we move through 6 & 7 discovering who it is we really are. I’m someone who has a tendency to think that I can use things to change the way I feel (ummm…kind of sounds like I might be an alcoholic.) Who are you?