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Remember when I said last Monday that no matter what our head tells us, we know?  Well, guess what? Sometimes we don’t know.  We don’t have an effing clue.  We’re rambling along a perfectly paved (notice I do not say serene…check the path in the picture…it’s smooth and paved, but I’m not sure we could call it peaceful!) road and we just can’t see what’s coming around the bend.

Sometimes I’m really grateful for that. I’m in the best place when I’m at peace with the fact that life is the ultimate space in which anything can happen, But then there are weeks where a suddenly perfect relationship seems to take a sharp left turn into insanity (thank you very much fear, resentment and hormonal flux!), your youngest child morphs into a highly charged pile of meltdowns at every opportunity, your computer decides to stop connecting to Planet E (Internet Explorer), and you wake up and realize you have accomplished nothing and you’re about to be 40 (in 9 months.) Welcome to my ‘last week.’

Even as you walk around in this strange netherworld that is posing as your otherwise amazing life…it’s hard to believe it’s actually happening.  You stumble around Best Buy for three days in a row talking to an entire host of darling young kids who smile and nod patiently as they try to explain (first individually, and then they rally in small groups for more support) the various options in the Best Buy protection plan (a plan which I might add is more complex than negotiating a truce between Israel & Palestine.) And you wonder, is this what my sponsor  meant over lunch last week when she said, God wants to thrill you. Why is that so hard for you to believe?

Your AA head (that’s what you’re stuck with for better or worse after you’ve been around here for a while and done a little work) keeps yapping away about what a ‘quality problem’ it is to be buying a new computer at Best Buy when Enrique (of Enrique’s Journey–it’s a page turner!) has been riding trains from Honduras through Mexico up to the border of El Norte for something like three months, exposed to every human horror you can imagine, hungry, cold, beaten, turned away again and again (anyone that says illegal immigrants are lazy clearly has no idea what they go through to get here!)  just to find his mother who left him in Honduras more than 12 years ago to move north in search of work that would allow Enrique and his sister to eat something other than trash and to maybe go to school up through the 6th grade.

Yeah, you KNOW gratitude is called for in this situation, but…

It doesn’t always play out like that. Sometimes you just wind up with tears streaming down your face in the middle of Best Buy, because it’s raining and cold outside and you can’t understand the Best Buy protection plan and you have no godly idea what an ‘i5’ processor is, or whether it’s worth the money, even after it’s been explained to you a dozen times, and your lost connection with Planet E is totally screwing up your very perfectly scheduled week and even in this moment as you stand here with a wallet full of ways to pay for brand new computer…you cannot find a shred of gratitude. Period. #End of story.

Welcome to just being human.  Let yourself fall apart in Best Buy. It’s fine, and the kids that work there are really too young to be permanently scarred from witnessing your break down.  Go ahead and crack.  It’s been a bad week.  Cracking open is not necessarily a terrible response to that. Remember Akhilanda, the goddess of Never not Broken?  The cracks are where the light gets in.  It doesn’t get into that tightly twisted brain that’s beating you over the head with all the things you ‘should’ be feeling (like gratitude.) It gets into the real…what you are really feeling. What’s really going on.  That’s the only place there is any hope of movement from.

And a week from now you’ll be writing something (on your brand new computer…and yes, it appears the i5 processor is worth the money!) and you’ll be thinking to yourself…maybe God does want to thrill me after all.