Deep thoughts on love…um, no. Happy Valentines Day if you’re celebrating it.
For a long time, I just thought it (love) was generally a bad idea. The risk seemed extreme (mind you, I come from a home where my father was married 5 times) and the reward seemed…meh, mediocre. I was never the girl who had a problem buying my own chocolates or feeling worthy of a self-indulgent gift now and again.
I didn’t need you to love me. I wanted to be very clear on that when I got sober, because as you know if you’ve spent any time in the rooms, love abounds! Whether it’s the throng of people who quite literally surround you after you say something innocent like ‘I want to slit my throat and die’, or whether it’s that edgy guy (or gal) in the corner (you know, the one who’s covered in tattoos, has a little twitch over the left eye and looks like they rolled out from behind the Quickie Chicken place) there is no shortage of ‘love’ in Alcoholics Anonymous.
But some of us come harder to fall than others. And it takes what it takes for the ice in us to melt.
For me, I stayed married. “I was not a blushing girl, no innocent dove. It took me a long time to find love.” I had a lot of ideas about the things I was feeling when JM caught my eye from a bar stool across the room (Yes, I had about 17 minutes sober and was in a bar. I do not necessarily recommend this…I only say it to emphasize that we can stay sober no matter what.) We had a date that lasted about 3 weeks and then I moved in while he was at work one day (I think he asked me too, but it’s still kind of an issue of contention between us as to whether that actually happened or I just imagined it.)
I’ve been married almost 11 years now, and no one is more surprised than I am. Almost everything I know about love is something I have learned along the way, and the trip is far from over. Because learning how to love these people is largely about confronting the part of me that thinks it’s a bad idea to do so. Love opens you up, and that’s uncomfortable sometimes. To feel so much for someone can be really terrifying.
Because I don’t need love, remember?
In the end, the most profound thing we can say about who and what we love is that it reveals what we are willing to open ourselves to. And anything we open to, or anything that opens us, is not a bad thing, because this is the spiritual path. It has been my path. I am gutted and ravaged. A soft gurgly mess. And I love love love love love. Mostly without fear.